Heather and I would agree that one of the worst fights we found ourselves in had to do with a Valentine’s Day early in our marriage. Actually, it was our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple. As I remember it, I asked her what she wanted to do to celebrate. What I heard her answer was “Don’t worry about it.” What I should have heard her say was, “Put some thought into it and do something special for me.” But with my male earbuds in, I heard what I heard and rented a video from Blockbuster for us to watch together. Much to her chagrin, and then mine, this was not what she had expected, and thus a conflict followed. Towards the end of the argument, I said something like, “I can’t do this anymore.” What she heard me say was, “I do not want to be married to you anymore.” What I meant was, “I don’t want to fight anymore.” That was indeed a stressful evening! Since that time, Heather and I have tried to do better at communicating and listening. She has done a great job of not expecting me to read her mind and I have tried, in turn, to pay attention to what she is trying to communicate to me.
Valentine’s Day for many marriages can be a minefield because of the pressure that can build up related to what we expect from each other in our marriages (or other close relationships). Perhaps, as Heather recently shared with me, couples should be loving each other and cherishing each other all year long. One of the tools that I use in counseling is what I call the A.R.E. of expectations. It is a good checklist to measure our expectations. You should ask yourself these questions:
- A: Am I aware of the expectations that I have for my spouse?
- R: Are my expectations reasonable?
- E: Have I clearly expressed my expectations?
Often unreasonable and unexpressed expectations create disappointment and hurt. In turn, the hurt can create even higher expectations from the spouse in an effort to heal from the hurt… and the pain cycle begins.
As Christians, we want to love and respect our spouses as Jesus loved the church and respected His Father. When we are able to clearly communicate our needs and desires to each other from an open heart and attune to our spouse’s heart, I think we can demonstrate this kind of Jesus-like love to a watching world beginning in our immediate and Covenant families.
What God expects from us is reasonable and He has expressed it to us clearly in His Word, through His Son, and by His Spirit living in us: Love your neighbor, as I in Christ Jesus have loved you.
May our Heavenly Father’s love be what motivates us to love each other on Valentine’s Day and every day!
